Been in a funk
So I have been in a funk as of late, mostly due to our inability to conceive. I do have an appt. set up for the end of the month with my OB to discuss what options we have. Since my sister has been in town with her newborn baby girl it has sort of opened the wound of losing my baby girl in February. I find myself wondering what she would have looked like, what she could have become, and envisioning moments that we will never share together. It is hard to describe the loss and the pain that surrounds it, especially if one hasn't experienced it for themselves (not that I would wish that upon anyone). I think some people think I should be over it; my mother included. I don't think she understands how it kills me to listen to her talk about little girls and their cute clothes, etc.
Will I ever get the chance to have a baby girl, or any baby for that matter?
I am totally ready to adopt a baby girl from Thailand (or China) but Eddy isn't quite there yet. I am under the feeling that this process could take 2+ years so why not start today. Eddy wants to wait to see if we are going to be able to conceive on our own, and I don't fault him for that as I still want to have babies of our own as well. Somehow I always wanted to adopt and now I feel like something is telling me that if we did, that the soul of the baby we lost would be reborn into the baby we would adopt- a Buddhist influence surely to contradict my Catholic upbringing, but one that gives me some peace to think about.
posted by Kerry @ 8:20 PM
4 Comments
4 Comments:
You know that I'm rooting for you and Eddy no matter which road you go down. Good luck. I can only imagine how hard it would be to move on from a miscarriage. Take as much time as you need! *Hugs*
Prayers for you and your family. I think (worry) about my chances of getting pregnant again nearly every day, which also leds me to think of you and the other ladies I know with similar struggles and send up prayers for us all.
I don't think a miscarriage is something you ever get over. "Moving forward" and "getting over it" are two very different things... you have done one but may never do the other, and that is okay. I am thinking of you, my dear.
I like your Buddhist observation; I think the same about my brother and our (hopefully) future son. I'm excited to see where the adoption road may take you! My parents were on an adoption list when they had me - so signing up does not close down your other options, but I can see that it would feel like a big step.
I miss you and will call soon, like when the bar is over! :) :(
Kerry - I have heard other women say that the time of year when they would have given birth to the child they lost in a miscarriage brought many of those painful feelings to the surface again. As August approaches, I imagine you are thinking of your little girl all the more. I have been thinking about you, too.
I can identify with your excitement about adopting a baby girl! And I think your feeling that your baby's soul could be reborn into a baby you adopt is beautiful. The question of timing is understandably tough, especially when you still hope and plan to have babies of your own. Both processes can be emotionally draining, and Steve and I found it was difficult to pursue both at once. At any rate, whatever direction you go, I look forward to hearing about your journey!
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